guilt of a son

Im still awake. Emo-ing bcoz im going back tmr morn. I mean later at 9am. Coincidentally, my fren jz said smtg wic really saddened me.

I told her, Vivien Chang that she has not been updating her blog. She’s surprised that I read her blog.

She also said “for now i juts treat it as a place for me to let out n record my emotions so that i nxt time can look back n see whoa i experience this b4,im not gonna repeat those silly mistakes again. so i wasnt thinking of ppl reading it la. unless if i got write better stuff there lolx. i oso keep my pics on fb,cuz in case computer kena reformat again..i realize i din really take pics of myself when i was younger. so nxt time i wanan hav something to look back on my own face lo. i like to record things up wan lolx.”

I was like kena slap when she said that. Im not angry. She din offend me. No. My heart breaks because I din take pics wif any of my family members. I mean duo pics. Truths are painful. Painful. It’s so painful.

What kind of son i am? I used my parents money to get my camera n some camera gadgets. I took pics of everything. I took pics with everyone. I have pics of everyting. I captured memories of other ppl. I document other people’s life.

But.. where is the pics of me n my parents? I call myself sentimental, sensitive, expressive. I love old stuffs. But hei! Where are the pics of me n my bro? where are the pics of me n my sis? Where r the pics of me n my mum? Whr r the pics of me n my dad?

I cant recall at all when was the last time I took pic wif any of them. Yea we had family photo last year during my sister’s bday bt not this yr cz I was in Kampar. I cant recall I took any duo pics wif any of them since I got my own camera in 2003.

Arrghh! This is so hurtful! I hate myself!! Y now oni I realised.. a pic mayb just a pic. It may not means anyting to u. But a pic for me means more than just a pic. I’ve been recording my life thru photography. Sadly to say, I din use it to record my family’s life.

A pic brings a family together. It creates love. It documents memories that will nvr be repeated again. It captures moments that last forever. It reminds us of the past. It shows us how life has changed over the years.

I dun wana take pics wif them when only they have died. I don’t want. Im already 21. They are almost 50. Anything can just happened like Michael Jackson n Yasmin Ahmad. Im gona hate myself when im old for not taking pics wif them.

I noe the truth. The truth is im not a good child. Really im not. I may not be a good son but I love them. I really love them. I just duno how to show it. I cant. I silently quietly pray for them, hoping they are fine n safe. I cried in my prayer. Sumtimes I ask from the God to shorten my life so that my family members can live longer.

NEVER IN MY LIFE I SAY TO THEIR FACE ‘I LOVE YOU’.

Never! I never hug them too. I've huggeg my sister only. No one know how guilty I am. My tears are not gona change anything. I guess I’ll only say the 3 letter words when they are not breathing anymore.

I promised myself I’ll take pics with everyone of them, one by one, the next time I come back to penang.

*Anyway im not angry at Vivien. Not at all. I wana thank her for waken me up. I’ve learnt a lot about family love from my JR classmates in UTAR. Thanks a lot.