bila putus sudah cinta

Sejak dari kecil, saya selalu berfikir dan percaya.

Apa yang penting dalam keluarga bukanlah wang semata-mata tapi kasih dan sayang.

Wang itu besar, dengan wang, segala benda boleh dibeli, segala kekurangan boleh ditempuhi.

Tapi gembirakah anda  jika wang yang ada tak membawa kebahagiaan

Tanpa kasih, tanpa sayang, tanpa cinta, tanpa percaya, tiadalah keluarga.

Rumah akan jadi hotel. Balik untuk makan, mandi, tidur dan keluar.

Apakah itu rumah jika tiada perpaduan, tiada penghormatan, tiada percakapan?

Paksaan tak membawa kegembiraan.

Bila anak dipaksa melakukan apa yang diimpikan oleh mak bapa, hasilnya adalah kesedihan.

Bila anak mengikut jalan sendiri, dia diebnci sebenci-bencinya oleh si bapa.

DI mana silapnya?

Pilih kasih semakin menebal. Apa saja yang dibuat ada yang tak kena. Kerja anak dipandang hina. Gaji sikit tapi dipaksa bagi dja lebih.

Dituduhnya anak berjudi bola. Dituduhnya itu dan ini, bulan dan bintang,

Dalam hati, dalam minda, anak itu kotor, tak guna.

Sejak kecil, ayat ayat ‘you tak berguna, you pergi mati lebih baik, mati cepat aman cepat’ berkumandang di angkasa.

Sekarang dituduhnya anak itu mencuri wang dari poket seluarnya.

Segala plot cerita dia yang reka.

Tiada siapa tahu yang benar mahupun yang dusta.

Bukankah dia anak mu juga.

Hati sungguh sayu dan pedih melihat apa yang di depan mata.

Apa yang boleh dibuat melainkan berdoa.

Diri ini tersepit di tengah-tengah dilemma.

Bila sudah tiada cinta, maka kosonglah jadinya.

Bila yang longgar makin longgar, yang jauh makin jauh, maka yang akhirnya..

Putus.

Putus.

Tak mengapa.

Kerana cinta sudah tiada..

TAMAT

“You don’t tell him you know. Nevermind if he wants to take. It’s ok to give money to son. You keep an eye on him. Do you see him bet on football or use a lot of money? You don’t tell mum you know.”


*akan ku rahsiakan perkara dari dia dan dia yang ada di rumah, supaya hati siapa-siapa tidak akan parah*

flooded with choces.. again..

i don't like this feeling.

which one should i should?

follow your heart?

priority?

i, am not ok..

UTAR Ball has taken a toll on my life.

The event is over but the mess is not over yet. I just hope as a team, everyone will bear the responsibilities together. This is our event and not my event. Don’t just quit or pin-point when we are in troubles.

A lecturer just told me that he will deduct my marks. Ok.. Yea because I didn’t do well in my coursework. I deserved that. Even if I give him what he needs now, no use already.

Oh besides that, I didn’t submit an assignment which due last week. Haha. What the fark am I doing right. It’s all my mistake. Not that I didn’t do but I can’t finish it. I slept at 4.30amon Thursday. Woke up so early on Friday and work on the ball whole day. Saturday is about UTAR Ball again.

Im living in the world of worries and insecurity every single day...

I screwed up my assignments. My studies drop like shit. I’m totally not happy with my life now.

Whenever my friends see me, they’ll ask am I ok, why am I looking down, tired and stress. They see it themselves that I am not ok.

I am really not ok.

Since beginning of March, everything seems so disorganized. Everything seems not ok.

Whenever I try to settle something, there will be sure some other things popped up to be settled. At the end, many things are unsettled.

You know.. I am tired n down. I skipped a lot of classes this semester.

I am worried. I am so so worried.

I’ve totally no mood to talk to anyone. I get angry so easily. I lost my patience when I talk to people, even people who I’m close with.

What can I do now? What should I do now? What choice do I have?

The final exam is the only way I can save myself. The only way. Please, don’t bother me with event’s problems anymore, I had enough. Just give me a break please. Let me alone. At least for these 2 weeks until I’ve done with my final exam.

PRIORITY!

Now, my internship is still in limbo. The company hasn’t reply to my lecturer. I told him that I don’t wana intern in UTAR.

He was so happy when he knew that we can intern in UTAR. What the fark man, who wants to intern in his/her university? I DON’T WANT!! Now is week 14 and no answer from the company yet. Then what should the students do? We live in fear every day, afraid that we can’t go out to do internship, afraid that we must stay in UTAR to do our internship. Can the lecturer please help us out? Please..

He’s like cincai cincai all the time. sorry la but this is how I’m feeling.

Arrrghhhhh!

Seriously don’t ask me to do anything else. I am fed up. Suddenly here not enough money, there not enough money. Must attend this meeting and that meeting. Suddenly money hilang. Suddenly have to settle some stuff and rush to university. Oh ya not to forget ongoing, continuously INCOMING CALLS, SMS, and FB NOTIFICATIONS! Halo what kind of life is this??

YES I AM COMPLAINING! GO AWAY IF YOU DON’T WANA LISTEN.

I am now giving away giving up everything in my hand for studies. Ok?

DON’T ask me for photos unless it’s necessary. Politics? Get off!

I’ll read less news, care less, totally less Facebook-ing, take less photos, sleep less, still going to eat more and STUDY!

I don’t know what’s gona happen if I flunk my final exam. NO! that’s NOT gona happen!

I am so in a mess right now. Don’t believe me? Look at the photo or you are welcome to my room. I’m not hiding anything and telling people how good I am because I am so not in a good position right now…

I.. Am not OK..

no (nasi) Pattani lo..

Not going already la.

Too much to handle in one night.

If I were to go to Thailand, means I have to depart this morning.

Too much to give up and let go. I have responsibilities here. I have tasks to perform here.

Many things holding me back.

Furthermore, this thing is too last minute.

It’s not compulsory. It’s not necessary. It’s not a must choice.

I can say NO to it.

I’ll just pray that I’ll get the chance again next time.

I told my mum. She’s ok if I go Thailand. She didn’t stop me. She let me to decide myself.

Why last night I’m holding back and decided not to go?

1.       Because this news came to me too sudden. Too rush la.

2.       Because later at 6.30pm I wana go for UTAR 2^nd Karaoke Competition 2011’s audition.

3.       Because I haven’t settle my Final Year Project title and Industrial Attachment application.

4.       Because I wana take pictures of the oldest house in Old Town Kampar before it’s being demolished.

5.       Because I have UTAR Ball meeting tomorrow night.

6.       Because I already promise someone to go back with her on Thursday night.

7.       Because I already bought my ticket RM21.60 back to Penang this Thursday night.

8.       Because I scared no more ticket back to Penang this morning.

9.       Because I scared no more trip to Hat Yai today.

Wah I give so many excuses to justify my decision!

lost in 2011

Today is like what, the 10^th day of 2011?? But why am I feeling so lost, as if I’m already in the maze of 2011 for years.

I don’t feel comfortable with what I’m feeling now seriously. Seriously..

I’m back in Kampar already. Reached here late last night. While my other classmates still enjoying one more week of holidays, I have to be back earlier. There are a bunch of people also sacrificed their holidays to prepare for Orientation this week. Hat off to them. They are really dedicated in what they are doing.

Now back to my story. I feel so stress up la. Yea this is just the beginning of the semester. But with Orientation, SRC, events, studies, Final Year Project, Internship application, etc etc and etc, wah kepala boleh pecah!

I think what bother me the most is SRC. A lot of unfinished plans and things to be done. Hmmm..

The problem now is..

I FEEL LOST!

I feel so so lost. Moody.  I don’t know what I should do. I’m so clueless and helpless.

No ummpph! No inspiration!

HOW ah? How?

I need the KICK!!

I need to start working. But brain is not working. Time flies so fast. I can’t afford to waste anymore time. Chances have slipped away.

OCE WAKE UP!!

Oh, I feel like go into the ring for a fight now. Feel like punching someone and let someone punch me. I wana feel the pain lah. Really la. Is there any illegal fighting ring? Eh I wana join. When you fight, you can overcome your fear you know. Cuz u’ll be dare to face your opponent and challenges.

I believe fighting is a good way to train us to face our problems. =

2010 was a good year. 2011? Hmm.. what say you? I don’t think 2011 is a good year because I don’t feel it. But maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently? So, if you feel it’ll be good, it’ll be good la. And if you want it to be good, you make it good lo..

UTAR Kampar SRC not improving?

Nothing has changed since the new SRC team took over?

Are we not listening enough? Are we not responsive enough? Are we not efficient enough? Are we not doing good enough? Can't we change the bad perception you have towards SRC? 


I am not here to change your mindset. I am not God. Even God can't make you think what you want to think.


But my point here is if you see we are working, give us support and encouragement. Work with us, give us feedback. If we are doing better then the previous batches, if we are being different, if we change in the way we deliver, then change your perception, change the way you think, make yourselves open to changes. 

If we are not performing well, advise us. Let us know. If we still don't meet your expectation, let us know. Don't be quiet. If you never tell, we never know. And if you never tell, it's unfair to say we never do anything.


Have some faith in us.. Lend us your help.

Come to us personally. Send us sms. Write to us. We listen and we are willing to improve.

I accept constructive criticsms and I'm not hiding from my mistakes.

I listen. If my team members don't listen to you, i still listen. I am sure they listen too.

Come on, pour me with sincere answers.

Whatever your perception towards us, i accept it. It's ok. I will still continue working. i will still continue giving my service. I will still listen. I will still do all i can to improve students welfare. I will still coming up with changes. I will still do what i supposed to do. 

I am where i am today because of the 4% of you. But i am a student leader who represent the 13 thousand students of you in UTAR Kampar. Your voice are so significant and important.

Student Representative Committes always with the students. That what's me and my team always do.

To see changes, we must be together in voicing out our demands and needs.

Changes never happen in one day. But if we never take the first time in coming together and voicing up, nothing, forever, can be seen.

I may not be the GREATEST student leader ever, but at least, let me and my team members be the best SRC team ever in your studying life in UTAR Kampar.

Thank you.

Oh Chin Eng,
Chairman,
SRC UTAR Kampar
2010-2011

dilemma: to stay or to go back for Hari Raya?

Fikiran sangat bercelaru berserabut berkecamuk bercelaka kusut masai lintang pukang bengkang bengkok. 

Im very luan now. Feeling so stress and messy. Bercelaru fikiran. Im in dilemma la..

How?? What should I do?? To go back to Penang tomorrow, Thurday 9/9/2010 for Raya or not huh??

Pros and cons..

If I go back:

PROS: I can celebrate raya, I can meet up with my Muslim friends, I can have good food lemamng rending nasi briani ketupat, I miss my family, I can fix my laptop, I can go and get a present for my friend.

CONS: I have to spend money to travel again, I can’t study at home

If I don’t go back:

PROS: I can save money on travelling, I can at least study here in Kampar, I have all my resources here notes textbooks library lecturers and friends, I can have group discussion.

CONS: I can’t celebrate Raya, I can’t meet my friends la..

I wana go back so badly you know but so many things are holding me back here. I haven’t really study yet. And I wana consult my lecturers la..

But I never missed Hari Raya in my life.

I know whatever I say now is useless cuz I need to decide for myself and by myself.. hmm… which is more important.

I know im gona regret of my decision. For sure! If I go back, I’ll feel regret. If I don’t go back also I’ll feel regret.

Some of my friends will sure say follow my heart. Some will say think of priority. Some will say just do it if it’s a right thing. Some will say no right or wrong decision.

Why la the exam is just after Hari Raya. Aih.. so damn troublesome la.. or im the only one who make it into a trouble for myself??

Okla its enough for now. Playing time is up! Let’s get back to work. Happy burning midnight oil.

you know..

you know.. u duno ah?? duno meh?? mai i let u know..

i never missed Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, Deepavali or Christmas celebration in my life lo.

i celebrate all those festivals lo.

i have friends from different ethnics, religions and countries lo.

even if i was away from Penang last year for studies, i still went back for it lo..

i feel so weird and awkward and stupid and nonsense if i don't go back for Hari Raya this year lo.

i miss my friends..

Hari Raya is this Friday 10/9/2010 you know..

so now wana stay or go back.

now you know??

oh ya if you don't know, im from Penang and im now studying at Kampar, Perak.

now you know..

dilemma of an ex-bf

i was and still talking to a good friend from Penang.

he's in dilemma whether to visit her sick ex-gf in the hospital.

simple situation isn't? i scold him. i ask him to go visit her. i persuade him. but he still stick to her decision not to go. he has his own reasons.

and he says..

"she dont need me anymore. she needs her bf, friends and family. not her ex. that's why faizah also dont want you. she surely dont want to c me also. so i better buat bodoh dont do anything. i'm a small peanut in everyone's life."

ouch! but im not offended or hurt la. it just HIT me right on my head. it's so true.

who are you now? what's your role? what's your significant in people's life?

what i can say to my friend is people around you care for you. i definitely care for you. don't be pessismistic. im sad to look at him like this.

i agree with him that we can't trust people 100%. when they don't have partner, they say they will be there to listen to talk bla bla bla. when they are in good terms with you, they say the same things too. but when they have partner already or when they argue with you, things totally changed. you become their enemy. you become unknown to them. you become a stranger. you become nobody to them.

does this sounds familiar to you?? this doesn't only happen to a relationship but also in a friendship.

Me n him are now are single. i call our geng as the Gay geng cuz everytime i go back to Penang, only few of us, the guys who are single. The rest? either studying out of Penang or have their own partners already.

the difference between two of us is he buang her ex-gf but still love her, at that time. but my case is i kena buang by my ex-gf but i still love her, at that time.

i think i would face the same situation like him too if one day my ex is sick. should i visit her or not. what will she feels? what will her bf thinks? what will her family perceives me?

the question now is will you talk, see or contact her since she got bf already? will you? let's just face the situation first then you let me know the answer. another question is, will she respond to you if she got a bf already??

haha.. i know i shouldn't think that much. you visit cuz you care. just visit that person la cuz who knows you might not see her again. just go visit lo cuz you still care, you are still a human, with feelings. don't think too much.

i always think of others all the time. yes all the time. i put others before me. that's me la.. couldn't help it.

some people always tell me to think for myself first before others. i duno, i just can't do that. too cruel i would say. seriously if i can make people happy, then it's my happiness too.

i pray that everyone i love is always good in health la cuz i can't bear the pain in my heart to see any of you not ok.

when you face this dilemma, just think la the pros and cons. don't make it so complicated, cuz everything is just very simple. if your intention is good, just do it and leave the rest to Him.

are you in dilemma?

Dilemma..

Who of you here never face dilemma?

Dilemma is a situation where we are being undecided.

Dilemma is when you are having a hard to time to choose between 2 or more options.

We are leaders. Because we make a lot of decisions a day.

But it’s not easy to make a decision.

Most of the time we are stuck. A decision that seems to be so easy may not be that easy.

I know why.

The reason is because we are fear. We are afraid of the consequences.

I hate being in the state of dilemma. It’s so stressful. Being undecided is so torturing.

what would you do if you are facing dilemma?

If im in dilemma, I need to talk to someone. I need to let it out. Then I need response.

When I used to have girlfriend, she’s the one that I always turned to. She was my loyal listener.

But now im single. Who to talk to? Friends?

Some will talk to their best friends. But who are my best friends? I have very very close and good friends. But not everything is easy to tell someone.

Any good listener out there?

I am one.

penang or kampar

it's already friday.. and it's already end of friday. It's weekend.

i am still thinking to go back to Penang or stay here in Kampar.

.....................

to go back or not to go back.

i don't know.

i feel like going back cuz i miss my home la. im so exhausted. i miss my family. i miss my bed and bantal busuk. i need a nice sleep. i know my mum will cook good food for me. i wana go eat by the roadside. go kaypo here and there in the island. i wana meet up with my buddies Wei Han, Dexter, Nixon, Chee Leng, Phui Leng and the others. i need to refill my pangsaicua, 100 Plus, tissue, 3in1 milo etc.

but i have to go back again end of tis month. my mum actually said no need to go back cuz it's a waste of money. another reason i wana go back is because i want to get back my camera accessory. i need it for a photoshoot next week in Ipoh. but if i go back n teh camera guy haven't repair the thing, waste my time and energy only.

*to be continued.

i pass the casting (part 1)

Yes I pass tv drama the casting. I’ll talk about the casting later. Now I wana talk about something else.

I didn’t tell my mum I went for the casting. Usually I’ll only tell her after I achieve something or I’ll hint her that I’m joining something. Paiseh ma..

So just now I told my mum that there’ll be a shooting in Khoo Kongsi this March and I’ll come back again to act. She was like huh?? She said no because I’ll be skipping classes and I’m so busy this month.

Mum asked me worth it meh 1 hour RM5. I said it’s not because of the money la. she said ‘then what? If not money then you wana show off?”

Zzz.. speechless. This is a great opportunity la..

How many times in your life can you act on TV? Or how many of you got the guts to go for any type of auditions?

This is not only about fame and pride but it’s an opportunity, experience, networking and it’s an achievement. Now I have the chance that not everyone will get and this is what I want, how can I just let it slip away.

Before I go for the audition, im worried that they won’t even let me try because I can’t read Chinese. Then during the audition, I’m worried that they won’t take me. now after the casting, mum said cannot go.

The problem now is I already got it. The casting manager said ‘ok you are in. I’ll call you to let you know your schedule.’

Haih I know I don’t have the time la. seriously I am busy everyday until 1^st of April. March is a month that full of mid term tests, assigment deadlines, and presentations. I’m also busy with the audition of The Amazing Race Asia,  shooting the video, go for the audition etc. Besides, I’ll be travelling to KL few times for seminars and for TARA.

I'm spending 3times more this Feb-April. aih..

Haih  I xtaula. I’ll try to split my time. If reali kenot, kehave to give up lo.

Anyway, REZEKI JANGAN DITOLAK.

a few drop of tears

I was lying on my bed, trying so hard to sleep. My laptop is still playing ‘You and I’ by Michael Buble. But I still cannot sleep.. I’ve been sleeping so late on this island. I slept at 7am yesterday.

Now, after I finish typing this, I think I can sleep well. Why?? Hehe.. I just talked to FELI!! Woohooo!! FELICITA FEDELIS!!  Thanks Feli.

I needed to talk to someone. Im clueless when I need to talk to someone. I have close friends, good buddies, but sometimes I don’t feel comfortable to tell them my personal stuffs. I felt lonely. I felt unfair. I cried. I don’t know why.

Of all so many close friends, I think Feli is the one that I’m so honest with. There’s nothing that I can hide from her. She knows when Im not happy. Sometimes, she’ll just pretend and wait for me to tell her what’s in my mind although she already know it. I trust her. I feel secure to talk to her. I feel calm..

She’s leaving this Saturday. I thought I’ll meet her again but no jodoh.

By the way, she's not a Chinese pun! nor a Buddhist or Taoist or Hindu. I'm ok talking to a non-Chinese. it's not an issue!

There’s something that I keep in my heart for so long. Something that is so hard to say it out. I’ve decided to just keep it as a secret. But someone else who knows it told other people.

I feel being betrayed. Can’t that person show me some respect? Can’t that person think of my feelings and my dignity? I lost friends because of that. That action has left a bad mark on my image.

So what im hiding actually? Do you still remember that I went for a blood test? Yes the blood test is the beginning of all the problems. The blood test is not just about me, but it involves other person as well.

Until this moment, I keep it as a secret. I didn’t tell anyone except God. I swear. I do all this because I respect that person. I care for her privacy. I don’t want anyone to think bad or look down on that person. No one knows what blood test I did. Why in the world all of a sudden I went to do blood test?!! i have faith in myself. I have faith with the people I trust, especially the one that meant a lot for me.. But that person never trust me…

Well, u might not get the same treatment like how you treated people.

Am I that bad huh? Tel me am I that bad??

Aku bukan nak cari publisiti murahan ok!! kalau hangpa tak suka apa I tulis, boleh blah dari blog aku. Aku sekadar ingin mencari ketenangan hidup.

I have no idea how long I can keep this all myself.

Sorry Feli for waking u up in the middle of the night. hehehe. And sorry for the troubles I’ve given you all this while.

You know I love you. =p

*if i cannot sleep, im gona miscall everyone in my hp. =p

Moving On means what???

i need an answer.. So badly.

What does MOVING ON means?

What's your definition?

Examples?

PLEASE tell me.

PLEase..

Thank you.

A or B

arrrghhh!! A or B?!! how?? i need the answer now. my mum is going out n i need to give her an answer. I don't know when should i go back to Kampar. i have to go back bcoz im having exam dis Saturday.

it's a very simple decision but im in dilemma. nonsense!! crazeee!!!

A-go back on Thursday night.
B-go back on Friday morning

so A or B?? why is it so hard to choose??

i don't know. something is holding me back but im not sure what is it!! is it bcoz i still want to meet her before i go? er... if i go back on Friday, i scared i'll be tired to do revision etc.

*smack my head to the wall!!

to lie or not to lie?

Will you tell your friend the truth that will hurt him/her? But if you don't tell him/her the truth, someone else is lying and cheat on him/her. Should i be truthful and hurt her or should I act as if nothing happened and make her feel good?

Well, it happens all the time in our life. Sometimes it's better to lie. We lie not for ourselves but for the person that close to our heart.

I feel happy if my friends are happy. I never want to spoil any relationship. Never.

Janganlah berkira sangat. Janganlah kaypo sangat. Close one eye and reveal the truth only when you really need to.

dilemma A or B

In less then 2hours, I would have to register my subjects for next semester which will starts on 11^th Jan 2010. I still have few hours to made up my mind which minors to choose.

PENING!

DILEMMA!

TAK SUKA!

BENCI!

I have 5 minors for next week. In these minors, I have to choose between 2subjects. 1 is Advertising (AV) oriented and the other one is on politics (PS) /admin stuffs la.

I like both. AV is good cz I can let my mind goes wild, be creative n learn smtg learn. AV is more on a skill I guess. PS is also good cz I can learn in depth about politics stuffs etc la. PS is more on theories and philosophies.

Hmmm.. im having a hard time here. I think I’ll choose PS bcoz I like PS more then AV. im a vocal people la. I make noise here n there. I fight for an issue. I express what I feel. I mean.. I can see myself on the stage giving speech or do smtg that has to do with public interest. I don’t see myself doing graphic for a company. Yea photography needs skill in graphic, technology etc but hmmm..im not into that la.

Ok… I think what I want.

Anyway, many ppl wont sleep tonight or they’ll wake up very early later. One thing for sure is the server sure DOWN, the line sure JAMN!

Again, me n my coursemates will be split into 2 different classes. Aih.. y cant we stick to each other?? Hmm.. apa ni. A training for us when we graduate is it, when we’ll be heading towards different paths in life?? A training for us to be independent?

Hmmm.. I shouldn’t make a fuss about it la. it’s good that we r given choices on the subjects we 1. We can do better on smtg that we like, kan?

Ok.. lets wait for the registration to open at 8.30am.

Siapa cepat dia dapat. Gluck everyone in UTAR.