Robbie Williams - My Way [Royal Albert Hall]

Oh yes you can sing this to me when i die. =p

YOU are quoted

Sometimes, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.. Because those people who require an explanation probably won’t understand you anyway. Vice versa..

~ Milo Mei

~ 11/3/2012

~ via FB

jobless depression

It has been so long since i wrote about myself, about me and not other things that i'm interested in. WHy care what others think of you? Just be true of yourself. Express what you feel. You can cheat the whole world but you can't lie to yourself.

I don't know why today so dull..

It's like so quiet..

And i feel lonely..

I just feel uneasy, so directionless.

i guess it's because of my job.

It's either i'm being stupid, stubborn or persistent because i only apply for one job.

I gave myself time until end of February before i start working.

Unfortunately i am still jobless. And till now i am still waiting for their answer. I've gone through all the process. They shortlisted me. Then asked me go for medical check up at their panel clinic last week. The blood test takes so long one meh..

It's either there's something wrong with my health or i don't get the job. I will go crazy if in these few days before February ends, they tell me i don't get the job.

Then i will have to apply for new jobs all over again. Lepas tu nak tunggu dipanggil interview, nak tunggu results bla bla bla. Bila baru boleh start kerja ni??

Anyone free to talk to me? ahaha.. Close friends in Penang all busy. Everytime ask them out for teh tarik, it's either they are working or they are lazy. But in the weekends, they can go out in a geng. zzz.. When u are away for 3 years, things change. No one's fault. It happened naturally. People always look for friends with similar interest to stick together. I'm into politics. I don't play games. I love history. I'm into human rights n activism. In short, i am just weird, not into any group.

It's not a problem, i feel good doing things alone. But you still need friends. I am happy to have them around. They are there when i need help and they know me well. But what's the point i only see them when i need help. As if i only look for them when i am in trouble.

Aih.. mum keeps nagging. Some people pula simply accuse this n that... oh what a night!

For once, i feel so useless. I feel so helpless.

Any magazine house, publishing company, newspaper agencies or event company want to hire a photographer? =p

PENANTIAN ITU SATU PENYEKSAAN

right brain right attitude

brain

attitude

brain

attitude

You must have the right things to be a right person.

You have have the right brain and right attitude in life.

I have the right brain but i don't have the right attitude.

I Am A Lonely Photographer

Photo courtesy of Rachael Soh. 

It’s raining so heavily here in Kampar. It’s flooded again. And again, I went out to snap some photos.

And I was alone..again.

When I went backpack, my friend said I'm a lonely photographer.

Well, she is right.

Now I get what she meant. I bet many people who saw me on the street have the thought also.

I never follow a photography trip before. Neither do I go for a photography outing.

I don’t feel comfortable.

But I will purposely go out to snap something that I feel is meaningful. For example if a building is going to be demolished. Or if the sky is beautiful.

It's ok la.. I enjoy what I'm doing and i don't need a bunch of photographers to make me good.

Whenever people see me, they will see my camera too.

Hmmm..

I don’t know why I’m suddenly so down. Maybe because I saw some outing photos from my friends in Facebook. It’s ok.. I am not jealous at all.

It just makes me realized many things. I’ll just keep those thoughts in myself.

I thank God for giving me good eyes to see. Sometimes my eyes see something that the other people don’t see and that’s what makes my photos special. I’m thankful for having a heart that cares and I express it through images. I’m glad I’m always alert with my surrounding too.

I don’t have the intention to praise myself but I always share my experience with my friends. I am so much happy everytime I see their happy face. The satisfaction of getting a good shot is extraordinary.

As I’m writing this, it’s raining cats and dogs outside.

Becareful on the road.

If you are a lonely photographer like me too, don’t be sad. It’s an enjoyable thing to snap pictures with all the freedom you need. Whatever you do, you just need to enjoy it and you will do it well. 

I am happy being a lonely photographer. 

biggest mistake in my life

I just made the biggest mistake in my life.

Instead, I made it few months ago, in 2010.

If I ever persevere, stick to my principle, all these wouldn’t happen.

I never wanted UTAR Ball. NEVER! UTAR Ball, ball night, events, entertainment, girls, party are never in my mind. That’s not the reason why I joined SRC.

My biggest mistake was I accepted explanation and persuasion from Dr Teh and support and agreement from my own committee.

It was a mistake. It is a mistake.

It’s all my fault. I’m a weak leader.

This is the biggest defeat in my life.

Yes we managed to pull it through. We have to change the venue from Tambun Lost World to Kampar Club. Majority of the people who came were extremely happy. They were partying crazily, screaming, and enjoying themselves to the max. They were laughing all the way and it’s a good thing because that’s the point of continuing this event.

While they were enjoying themselves, I was standing there at one corner, looking at them while my mind at somewhere else, thinking, cracking my head on how to solve the financial problem.

I am totally not feeling happy. People are laughing happily but my tears are flowing, heart aches bitterly to the max.  

Fingers will soon be pointing to one direction, to me.

I just hope that miracles will happen.

I just hope that I won’t be alone.

Actually why am I so sad? Yea I already made a big mistake by allowing this event to takes place ever since from January 2011. But I’m even more sad when there’s trouble, everyone is running away. Many people are quitting. Many fingers are pointing to me and I’m talking about my own committee members!

Like Hong Leong said, the lesson is I must be firm. I must dare to make my decision as a chairman and all will have to follow my words.

Yea it’s ideally that way but in reality, that scenario can never happened in the team.

Throughout the whole event, I got to see more of the real faces of people. Some people have their wn agenda. Some people are taking advantage of the networks, financial, friends, girls, reputation etc.

And some, they really put their heart and mind into making this event a success. In this group of people, those who really worked as I observed, are the innocent ones.

I thought after tonight, I’ll be free but no. There are damages that have to be repaired. There are messes to be cleared. There are debts to be paid.

Despites all the obstacles and problems we faced, we made it happened. I must thank all the committee members, helpers, sponsors, performers, university, Sahara, Kampar Club, participants and friends. Thanks a lot.

Thanks to the 4 committee members and 6 helpers who stayed back till the end, till midnight to clean up. Thanks to the girl who said this to me, “May God bless you.”

Thank you. Yea I know the god has been blessing me and I don’t ask for anything more. Hope you guys will be blessed as well.

I am gona silent my phone and sleep till God knows what’s the time. I’m not gona pick up any calls or reply any sms-es.

I..made the biggest mistake in my life.

*It’s easy to avoid responsibility than to bear responsibility.

knife in the heart

Tonight is the most painful night ever in Kampar for this semester.

i feel so hard to close my eyes and sleep.

I try so hard not to think of what they said but the pain is already there.

The wound is getting bigger.

It keeps bleeding.

The pain is totally unbearable.

Words are soul killer.

When it is already being said, it can't be retract.

Let's try to imagine this, a knife just cut ur hand, and it's expose to air, water and salt, how do u feel?

That's not the worse.

I'm feeling as if a long sharp blade just stabbed and pierced through my heart.

My pulse is getting faster.

My body temperature is getting higher.

My heart is physically painful ok..

okok, why should i care so much of what people say.

Because these 2 people are someone to me.

They are the people i love.

yea yea, they don't mean what they say right..

The first person said:

“Go die lah you.”

ok..

that was in the afternoon.

then in the evening, another person said:

“yes u are good of nothing, u only know to blame, u only talk bout urself, do u listen to others?u only know to find me when u nid sum1 to talk,to eat,to revise. u urself is the superior, u are self-centered, u are bad guy....if u stand in my shoes, u will found tht im juz relief to get a reliable, responsible junior, tht's all, nothing much bout da comparison.tok tok tok, wan tok till i die ar? ting tong ting tiang.”

fine.. whatever la.

forgive and forget!

hold no grudge.

you'll only feel happy when you can let go.

Good night.

You and I - Wilco

ahhh.. this song just cheer me up on this emo night.

brapa kupang?

muka masam satu kupang, hati kosong dua kupang, kepala pening tiga kupang.
something is wrong tonight.

suddenly so down n emo.

the night so quiet.

too many things to think.

out of random, Dexter, i agree on what you said the other time, time management. =p

anyway..

er..

what i wanted to say har???

oh forgot d.

bla bla bla..

just don't feel good tonight.

jom jogging?? or let's cycling?? =p

BROKE POKAI

arrrgghhh why so bad luck why so sueh.

I AM OFFICIALLY BROKE AND POKAI!

when you don't have money, you can do nothing.

NO MONEY NO TALK.

everything seems so impossible.

you have to forego a lot of things.

you can only stay at home and not to go out or buy new things.

you have to cut down a lot of expenditures.

and i can't go see doctor.

i started saving since last month but that's just not enough.

i am so so down, emo, scared, lost and insecure.

feel like crying ok!!

how am i going to survive till the end of the year??

i can't!!

and i dun wana ask for money from my parents.

i've already an adult. how can i still open up my palm and receive money from them? i still have one brother and one very young sister. they need the money more than i do.

money in bank accounts are drying.

this is what happen when you never save, never control and plan your expenditures, and you spend more than you can earn.

God, help..

terasa rindu

tidak pernah aku meminta

tetapi perasaan datang menergah 

hiba di jiwa tiada siapa yang tahu

rasa rindu yang teramat sangat

pahit menusuk kalbu

benci malam yang diam membisu

sepi pilu di hati tidak terubat

perit di kala Raya menjelang

tatkala terkenang si dia yang dah pergi

hanya air mata menjadi teman

biar berpijak di realiti dan bukan fantasi

aku 

masih aku

aku

merindui mu..

 

*aih.. entah apa benda aku duk merepek!

QUOTE of the day

The more you care, the more you hurt yourself.

suddenly...

Suddenly..

The sky is so dark, just like my heart.

Suddenly..

It’s gona rain, just like my heart.

Suddenly..

It’s so quiet, just like my heart.

whole day on bed!!

OMG!

Shit shit shit!

I just woke up! I slept whole day! whole man! This is so crazy! Arrghhh!

I couldn’t wake up. I skipped all my classes.

OMG!

What the heck.

This is so UNPRODUCTIVE!!!

I had so many weird dreams.

I got stuck on my bed!

I feel so damn bad now..

I don't feel good at all..

Oh what should I do. It’s already dinner time!! It's nigh time already and i wasted one whole day doing nothing!

W A K E   U P   O C E!

=(

deleting a piece of history

I was cleaning the stuffs in my laptop. A lot of old stuffs. Very old stuffs. Some are so memorable and meaningful, full of nostalgia. But it’s the past.

I found few sound clips that I made when I was with her. Wanted to send to her at that time but I didn’t. it’s just a history nia..

I don’t think this history worth to be preserved. No meaning. No meaning for her. no meaning for me.

So yea I create a history tonight. I delete something which used to meant a lot to me. if you know me, you know im the type of person who collect stuff, I wont throw away my things moreover this is so special for me. this is about me and her..

Hidup kena ke depan kan??

Benda-benda yang menyebabkan air mata bergelinangan biarkan sajalah mengalir pergi seperti air di sungai.

Sedang aku mengemaskini, terjumpa pula lagu ini. Mata pula bekaca. Air mata mula menitis. Tak sempat ku sambut, ia terjatuh ke Bumi.

mixed emotions..

Sleep early la olang olang.

Rasa sakit di hati tak terkata-kata

Sakitnya tak terperi

Pedih bagai dihiris nipis dengan pisau belati

Kemudian direnjis air limau muda

Perit rasanya bila maksud di hati disalaherti

Lagi sedu terkenang orang di sana

Benci rasanya sengketa dengan sahabat baik

Hendak saja dihentak kepala ke bata

Bercelaru fikiran

Bergelora jiwa ku

Nafas ku perlahan

Dadaku sesak

Sepinya malam ini..

Apa lagi nak merepek ni??

I have mixed feelings n emotions right now. Should i feel bad? Should i feel angry? Should i feel pissed? Should i feel happy? Should i feel down?

Sometimes you just wish to be feelingless and emotionless.

Sometimes u did something that u never wana do.

Sometimes he more you talk, the more mistakes you make.

Sometimes ppl misunderstood you.

Sometimes your tone can make your message being misinterpreted.  

Sometimes you hope time can be rewind.

Aih.. what im trying to say. I dun even know what im saying.

I need to talk, but not to friends la.. aih..

Nvm la. I’ll talk in my dream. =p

Im kinds speechles. So i better shut up n b quiet. I dun wana hurt anyone. I dun wana say wrong things.

Hati tak ok.. KO.

Good night la people. Tido la sebelum anda ditidurkan..

Lepas bangun, semua akan ok. =p

='(

Out of sudden, i just feel like crying.

what the heck right?!

no exact reasons for that ok.

Everything seems so wrong tonight.

Mood swings drastically.

Im so moody the whole night.

my heart just don't feel good.

and i don't know why.

tears just feel like pouring.

I don't feel like talking to anyone now..

I need nobody.

I don't need a listener!

I just wana stay alone until i go back Kampar.

i missed the train ='(

arrrrghhhhh!!

sad sad sweat sucks shit sohai!

and whatsoever vulgar words that you know la!

I MISSED THE TRAIN!!

i was just 5seconds away ok!! i saw the train when i reached the station. i parked my bike, locked my helmet n i rushed to the train. But the train was moving! FINE! i almost jumped into the train but the conductor said no. I was numb, stood there, undecided whether to jump or not to jump into the last coach. at the end, i said by bye to the train!

u noe that kind of feeling. so near yet so far. i saw the train, it's just in front of me! but i cannot go in.

I AM SUPER SAD LAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! pissed off at myself!

i feel like jumping into the lake or or knock my head to the toilet bowl or hang myself upside town from Eastlake big tangki!

u noe wat people. I think i have a BIG achievement in my life. why?? i missed my bus once when I was comin back here to UTAR. i missed my first international flight from Thailand to Malaysia. and now i missed the TRAIN from Kampar to Kuala Kubu Baru. what next?!!

so what should i do now??

arrghhh! no no big boy don't cry. haha. i need to do something la. must get myself busy!

sleep as if u gona die

SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!

I have been sleeping for these 2 weeks. N I sleep as if im gona die. I sleep as if im not gona wake up anymore. I had nightmaresssssssssss!! I was shivering! Then I sweat! grrrrhh!

I skipped quite a lot of classes these 2 weeks.

I really duno why I cannot wake up. I tried to but I just can’t. my body n my mind are not working. They resist my command. They never listen to what I want! They are damn LAZY! And then I got flu. I got fever. Stomach is pain again. n again!

At the end of the day, im the victim,. Im the victim for my own behaviour.

I hate myself so much for being like that.

Im stress. I freak out everytime I thought the reports I have to submit before the deadline. I tried to hide myself up but time still flies.

Something is wrong with me by the end of this semester. Presentations and midterms were ok. but now the reports part, I screw up.

I know myself that I am not ok, emotionally. I know but I can’t figure out the reason. When im outside with friends, I ok. but when im alone in my room, the dark clouds just cover my entire room n my life. I feel like i need to hug someone. A guy or a girl, it's ok. I just need a hug. A big hug. A long hug.

No, I don't miss her.

But i feel like im missing someone. The feeling of missing someone is so strong that i don't even know who's the person im missing. What the heck im talking about?!! I miss someone la but someone that doesn't exist? grrrrhhh! Home sick perhaps? Or maybe because im stress up because of assignments?

Anyway, Im glad I finished 1 report already n 2 more to go.

Everyone delays their works. Everyone procrastinates. But we must not live in it! Fight it. Overcome it.

I wish this week will ends soon. And then I wana sleep again until my final. I dun wana wake up…seriously. I dun wana face anyone. I dun wana lepak jalan-jalan. I dun wana take pics. I dun wana eat. I dun wana talk. I dun wana online. I dun wana bath. I dun wana go out form my room. I dun wana do anything at all. I just don’t want.. that’s how I feel right now.

And don’t ask me why. Cuz I don’t know why..

I need to be alone.. yes.. just to be alone for tonight. N I wont be at home tonight. N I’ll stay awake till tomorrow morning.

Oh ya! Tonight got pasar malam but im not going. Tomorrow is the last day of Sushi Bonanza! Yumyum! I WANT!! =p

empty in the heart

tonight is hot.

and it's kind of quiet. how's penang? or maybe i'm the only one who feel quiet and lonely.

i spent my night with my classmates and i just reached home, going out again after i post this.

they talked a lot. but i still feel everything is so quiet..

i can't feel the merrines n happines n crazines and what-so-ever-ness lah.

mood swings so fast.

something is wrong somehere..

most probably it's because of teh song i heard and the conversation i had with Ai Loon about our ex. ok ex-es.

i miss the feeling of being in love i guess. i miss the one i used to love. i miss the feeling of love and being loved. there are times when i need someone, more then a friend, a particular person to talk to. well, i think it's normal for a guy, especially someone who's already considered an adult, 22yr old, an active an social guy, and someone who used to be very loving and in a long relationship before to feel that way.

hmmm.. i'm not the guy that simply get a girl just because i need someone. NO! if i were, i would be doing it 1 year ago.

it has been quite long since i feel empty and lonely for being alone. that's why i try to be busy, as busy, as kaypo as much as i can.

tonight, is a very quiet n lonely night...

got to go. bye.

i don't like the effect of flashback and reminiscence. it's sweet n yet painful.